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green drink

This spring and summer, during the worst of my knee injury and depression, I wasn’t really eating. Partly it’s because I rarely even got out of bed, partly it’s because I’m bad at remembering to eat ever, and partly it’s because it really hurt to stand still and let all that pressure from gravity hit my knee, which meant most cooking was out of the question.

I already knew this, but it’s easy to forget when you’re in the throes of multiple existential crises and a tough semester of teaching that coffee and a bowl of cereal a day puts your body into survival mode (and my body is still somewhat in there as far as holding onto weight and fat is concerned, but I’m working on it. For some of us, eating is a process, and it’s not easy), but I couldn’t really do much about it because of my inability to stand up. I started looking around for delivery meal services or some other solution. The problem is I was mostly unemployed and they’re expensive, plus a lot of them are meal kits, not premaid meals, or they don’t accommodate my allergies and other dietary needs.

Then I was like, Ooh! Green juice!

Green juice is a pseudoscience racket, let me tell you. First of all, unless you have a serious medical problem, you do not need any consumable to help you “detox.” You have a liver and kidneys. They were designed to filter toxins out of your body. Juice cleanses do not detox you. They starve you and maybe help you if you’re getting ready for a colonoscopy, but detox has nothing to do with it, and you’re not even getting much in the way of nutrients because all the fiber is gone, there are no skins or stalks, and everything has been filtered out, and yadda yadda yadda. So I was looking at different smoothie services, but the same problems abound when it comes to my dietary needs, and I actually have some solid smoothie recipes and ingredients that I like a lot, so why pay someone to do it worse?

What I don’t have is a multi-hundred-dollar vitamix (my osterizer is my friend, but it cannot demolish a carrot or apple or other bulky things) or the ability to go and buy twenty pounds of produce each week, nor the mental energy required to try to make up some perfect fresh-squeezed “juice” recipe. I know myself well enough to know that if I had tried, I would have ended up with a bunch of stuff that tasted really nasty, a bunch of wilting greens in my fridge, and nothing in my belly. And at that point I was basically going to get scurvy, because I was depressed and eating fucking nothing. So, like, anything helps, but also fuck all this woo nonsense about juice cleanses.

So what’s a girl to do?

Finally, after spending way too much time surfing, I came across an option that seemed like a fairly reasonable price, that hadn’t skimmed out all the fiber, and that seemed by the ingredients list to taste good: Chef V. There are two flavors, both of which taste good, so you can order one of each or just choose one flavor (I ultimately settled on tropical). It gets delivered to you every week like clockwork, and you drink it first thing in the morning (or anytime you like) before you do anything else. I legit enjoy how it tastes, and I also like what I see in it: separation. If the jug is sitting there in your fridge, the heavy greens fall to the bottom, so you have to shake the jug before you pour some out. That is the different between green drink and green juice–I can actually tell that mine came from vegetables, because I can see them. It’s not a massive amount of fiber, but it gets your day started, and it was a huge gamechanger for me because of where I was at. All of a sudden I was starting my day with something hydrating instead of my usual nothing or coffee, I was pooping better, and it meant that even if I did nothing for the rest of the day but cry and eat a single bowl of cereal, I still had something good in my body to start to work my way back to health.

Literally no one asked me to write this review, not even an automated message from Chef V. I just sincerely enjoy it and am really grateful for the sustenance it gave me and continues to give me. I have no intention of unsubscribing at this point. In the hellscape that is 2020, I think it’s pretty great that I’m able to keep any habit going at all!

Every morning I fill my small blender bottle full of Chef V, which is the perfect portion size (about a pint) and has the added bonus of being great at shaking and mixing the ingredients anytime they settle. Customer service is excellent, and they’ve only made one error in the five or so months that I’ve been with them. They’re certified organic, if that’s something that is important to you. Ignore the nonsense messaging about cleansing and just aim for the health benefits of, you know, fruits and vegetables, and you’ll be as happy as I am.

I’m not any sort of official affiliate for them, but if you want to use my customer referral link, you get half off your first order!

review: the bulletproof diet

A couple years ago, you might have noticed (if you live in a fancy major city) that buttered coffee became a thing. It seemed to crop up right around the time that I decided to use butter in basically all my cooking, so it was perfect.

So I decided to get the book by the guy who started the craze, and of course he’s from Silicon Valley, because they all are, and I lived there for two years. He pontificates ad nauseum about biohacking and tells the reader over and over how smart he is for having figured this stuff out.

If I compare it to other, more researched books I’ve read before, I can definitely see the value in some of the stuff he talks about. Obviously, like everybody, he talks about the dangers of too much sugar and how it can really zap your energy and make you die young. Like, of course. And there’s some other science I can somewhat buy based on the citations. Mold and other trace amounts of bad things certainly sounds like something to avoid. And there have been studies proving that organic foods do retain more of their nutrients than pesticide- and antibiotic-filled foods.

I’ve now made a version of buttered coffee, just without Asprey’s beloved MCT oil, since I don’t tolerate coconut very well and also because it’s about a billion dollars. Buttered coffee does taste pretty delicious, and at least in my experience, the time in my life that I’ve put on more muscle and become more cardiovascularly fit is the same time of my life that I’ve upped my butter intake by probably 300%, so I’m fine with it. Butter is great, and it makes everything taste great. I highly recommend that you try making buttered coffee, even without Asprey’s special oil (which, conveniently, you can only buy from him if you want the exact, perfect type), since a human diet that is the perfect human diet is actually not truly perfect if you can only achieve it through a proprietary, manufactured thing that wasn’t in existence until three years ago.

Another thing I don’t like is that Asprey claims that exercise is a waste of your time. I’ve been seeing more studies that say that diet helps you lose weight more than exercise, so if you want to lose weight and want to focus on your diet, go for it. I’m not you, so I don’t care. But exercise has about a million benefits beyond weight loss, so to say it’s irrelevant to health strikes me as unsound advice. Especially since he’s claiming that his diet is the perfect, One True Human Diet, and humans for centuries have had to do physical labor just to get by in life, and it’s as we’ve become more sedentary that we’ve developed more chronic disease, so let’s ring the bullshit bell there.

Anyway, the real problem with this book is that it’s a book at all, not that everything in it is a lie. Asprey suffers from a severe case of white male privilege, and his constant patting himself on the back for figuring everything out is insufferable, not to mention his classic, Silicon Valley forgetfulness that most human beings in the United States, not to mention the planet, have money to burn and a lifestyle where they’re welcome to focus on “health” because somebody else is cleaning their house and watching their children. If you want to read it, go for it, and there are links for you below, but your better bet is probably just spending half an hour on his website, downloading a few things.

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